First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
