i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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