I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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