I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
