Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
