Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
