I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
