my mouth tastes like poor choices
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
