Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
