listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
