You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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