i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
