she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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