I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
