I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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