Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
