i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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