I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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