Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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