Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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