Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
