I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize