and you said cock pushups were impossible
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
