Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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