Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
