i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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