Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
