Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
