guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
