I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
