I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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