using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
