Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
not ubering you a puppy
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
