The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
