Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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