I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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