i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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