Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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