make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
