I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
