i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
