Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize