apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
is wine microwaveable?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
