After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize