Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
