Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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