How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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