tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
