So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have feelings that need drinking.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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