He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
