I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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