I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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