Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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