I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
