i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
