I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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