i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
