i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
