hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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