I intend to get homeless drunk
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
