I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
