I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
